There are roughly 320 million people living in the good old U S of A. Of those, after making adjustments for age, country of birth, and residency requirements, about 160 million would be eligible to run for the office of POTUS (this statistic comes from a pretty reliable source… a Reddit thread). Surprisingly, out of these 160 million Americans, these are the TWO PEOPLE we’ve narrowed things do to for election day? Right now, it seems like roughly 25 percent of the country supports The Donald, 25 percent backs Hillary, and the other 50 percent think we’re pretty much screwed either way. I just happen to fall in the last camp.
In the spirit of this year’s Presidential election, I thought we could take a look at four movie politicians who, in spite of their shortcomings and the fact that they only exist on the silver screen, would make better choices than what we are facing when we go to the ballot box this November.
So without further ado, I give you four choices I would rather make than Donald or Hillary.
1. President Thomas J. Whitmore – Independence Day
Let’s just be honest. A great deal of The Donald’s support comes from people who feel that ISIS is the biggest threat we currently face (which very well may be the case). But if given the choice between the “tan man” or President Thomas J. Whitmore from the classic Sci-Fi flick Independence Day, who would you pick to defend our nation from terroristic threats? This would be a no brainer decision… Donald Trump and his string of draft deferments or Thomas J. Whitmore flying a fighter jet into battle against ALIENS? Give me Whitmore ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
Put this man in charge, flood the terrorist network’s social media recruiting channels with this speech, and watch ISIS run back to their desert caves. War OVER.
2. Ralph (Last Name Unknown) – Lord of the Flies
Charismatic, compassionate, diplomatic. These words can all be used to describe Ralph (whom William Golding failed to give a last name in his classic novel Lord of the Flies). He embodied the qualities of a born leader. Despite facing a terrifying situation when he and his classmates were stranded on a deserted island, he assumed the role of leader and immediately installed a democratic system of communication among his peers (if you slept through either the movie or 11th grade English Lit, it involved a conch shell). Through his cool headed leadership, he was able to see his peers – well, most of them – through to their eventual rescue.
Some of you may be thinking, “but wait, Ralph was only twelve years old which would make him too young to hold the office of POTUS.” That is a valid point. HOWEVER, Lord of the Flies was published in 1954, which would make then 12 year old Ralph now 74 – only slightly older than either The Donald or Hillary.
3. Governor William J. Lepetomane – Blazing Saddles
Governor William J. Lepetomane from the Mel Brooks classic Blazing Saddles is quite possibly the most lovable incompetent politician in movie history. He’s at the helm of a corrupt administration. His number two man is as weasly as Tim Kaine looks. His secretary…. no, sorry the intern jokes would just be too easy.
The funny thing is that Governor Lepetomane would be much more of a gentleman than either The Donald or the potential First Husband, and he wouldn’t have the sense to delete compromising emails (although that wasn’t really a thing back in the Old West). The fact that I would proudly display a Lepetomane ’16 bumper sticker before either of this year’s choices is a big statement.
4. Montgomery Brewster – Brewster’s Millions
I had to save the best for last, because Montgomery Brewster summed up how I feel about this year’s election with his platform for mayor of New York city – NONE OF THE ABOVE. If you haven’t seen this classic comedy with the great Richard Pryor and John Candy, make it your next “Netflix and Chill” flick (but actually watch the movie though). In an effort to squander a $30 million dollar inheritance in order to receive his real inheritance of $300 million, Montgomery Brewster throws his hat in the ring of the New York City mayoral election. But the thing is, he doesn’t want to win – and he thinks the two corrupt career politicians on the ballot shouldn’t either. So Montgomery Brewster launches a self funded campaign to elect “NONE OF THE ABOVE”.
This is one of those times that it would be nice if things were as neat and tidy as they were on the big screen, and we could all just say give us “NONE OF THE ABOVE”.
As Monty so eloquently put it “Don’t vote for any of us. We’re assholes! We’ll only make things worse. That’s a promise!”